Big E's Guide To Victimhood

So you want to get in on the action and proclaim yourself a victim. Well, you're a bit late to the party, but fear not, there is lots of room and some of your friends who have come before you have already staked out lots of ground which you can camp out on.

Deciding To Become a Victim

Some times it gets tiresome blaming yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life. Other times you are just bored, and want something to do. Still other times you see someone with something you want, or just having fun.

Becoming a victim can solve these problems!

Choosing Your Status

You can be a victim in lots of ways, including the following:

- Race or ethnicity;
- Gender;
- Economic status;
- Health status.

Victim Paradigm

Remember always that your victim status is the most important thing in your life, and that it defines who you are as a person.

Setbacks and unfortunate events are NOT YOUR FAULT. They are the fault of your genetics, or, more likely, the fault of an oppressive, uncaring, and biased society.

Any decision or event involving a third party, that you don't like, was probably made primarily for one reason: because of [insert your special victim status here].

Your victim status entitles you to special rights, privileges and gifts. Sometimes The Man makes you ask for them, so don't be shy.

It's OK to whine.

Vote DEMOCRAT. (They care more).

We are all equal.

Trying to help yourself is futile, The Man will see to that.

'Personal responsibility' sounds great and all that, but hey, taking care of yourself can take a lot of work.

No matter what I have, there is probably someone else with more, and I deserve that, too.

Making the Most of Your Victim Status

Putting it all into action:

Problem: You are a woman and you believe you are underpaid. You also read in Newsweek that women are paid 76% of what men are paid.

Solution: Claim gender discrimination with regard to your employment. You may get a raise, or even a s-e-t-t-l-e-m-e-n-t !
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Problem: People of your race are prosecuted for crimes disproportionately from the rest of the population.

Solution: Take as a given that all races and economic classes commit an equal number of crimes. Assume that The Man has loosed the cops on you BECAUSE OF YOUR RACE! If it works, you might get sympathy from your judge or probation officer. At a minimum, you might make some people question law enforcement, and get them off your back.

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Problem: You can't get into the University of Michigan law school because of poor scores on standardized tests.

Solution: Point out to the nice admissions people that your ancestors were slaves, that your parents couldn't attend college, and that you would have done better on your LSAT but for the gun fire outside your window the night before the test. After hearing all that, the school will probably invent a system to give you BONUS points for being descended from slaves!

Q & A

Q. Who is "The Man" that you refer to?

A. Whoever is keeping you down.
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Q. Can I have more than 1 victim status?

A. Yes! Multiple victim stats get you EVEN MORE.
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Q. Seems kind of selfish to try and get things for myself by claiming to be a victim.

A. Take the high road here. You have to be careful to phrase all of this in terms of OTHER PEOPLE, e.g., "I'm not asking for myself, I'm asking for . . . the children." Nothing is nobler than asking for things for others. Hopefully they, too, will seek out opportunities for you.
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Good luck!